My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have six children. I have all documents (birth certificates and passports) for all our children in safekeeping. However, recently, I found other documents for two of our children hidden away by my wife. On these documents, which are NIRA certified, she had registered the two as having ‘unknown fathers’. I have not yet discussed it with her because her betrayal is hard to come to terms with. How should I handle the matter? Anonymous.
What you need to know:
- On these documents, which are NIRA certified, she had registered the two as having ‘unknown fathers’. I have not yet discussed it with her because her betrayal is hard to come to terms with
Dear Anonymous,
Paternity issues can stir up strong emotions in a relationship, especially if not well handled. It is unfortunate that this is happening after 12 years of marriage, a time it is expected that by this time the bond is supposedly deeper and more robust.
Now that you have secretly discovered some disturbing information, it is safer to first find support from a trusted friend or a professional such that you approach this in a non-confrontational way. A marriage relationship is one of the most exciting unions and can be a determinant of our health and satisfaction. This bond can also be easily threatened by insecurity and betrayal, among others factors.
The above threats can lead to bitterness and loss of trust by one of the partners or both. In your case, it is safer to talk to your wife and express how you feel about what you have found. Give her time and a chance to explain herself.
Remember the temptation to take things into your hands and conclude the matter is high. Asking her about it and letting her explain herself will lessen your anxiety. It is possible that the information you have varies from hers.
Keep in mind that this can lead to a heated debate, so it is safer to first control your emotions before approaching her. Sometimes, when you discover new information about your loved one, you might feel the right to overreact and disregard your partner’s side of the story. This can lead to unnecessary anger and even unintended mistakes.
In case you feel unable to talk to her peacefully, seek support from a neutral person that you both trust. It is possible that your fears are unfounded and there is an explanation for what she did.
Even when what you suspect turns out to be true, you still need support to cope to do what needs to be done such as paternity tests, which can be frustrating and emotionally draining. Finding a professional marriage counsellor to support you and your partner is key. The professional will avail you with skills for handling this before it ruins you psychologically.
