Late last night, Elon Musk, the bored squillionaire with deeper pockets than a Gulf state and an ego to match, rolled up to Old Trafford in his electric jalopy and started performing donuts in the car park. Look at me, everyone, his actions seemed to be saying. Look at me, look at me, look at meeeeeeee. But nobody looked at him. They were all staring at the current Premier League table with glazed [Glazered? – Fiver Ed] looks on their faces. So poor Elon had to go home and get their attention some other way. He did this by announcing on Popular Social Media Disgrace Twitter: “I’m buying Manchester United ur welcome.” There, that snapped them out of it! Everybody looking now. Clever Elon, who did it all by himself from scratch.
The tweet piqued everyone’s interest, all right. The singular business genius saw his last big deal – to buy PSMDT itself – go spectacularly south, and still harbours a dream of colonising Mars. Quite frankly, though, we’ve reached the point where a consortium headed up by Walter Mitty, Donald Trump and the former board of Debenhams would be considered an improvement on the Glazers, so plenty of exasperated United fans were receptive to the idea. Sadly, a few hours of excited tweeting later, those poor supporters had their hopes dashed when Musk admitted it was merely one of his zany comic gambits, some sort of long-running internet riff, though he did explain that United were his “fav team as a kid”, for what that’s worth. Final score: Mars one, Manchester eff-all.
Musk wasn’t the only bored squillionaire spending his evening cavorting along the information super highway. Cristiano Ronaldo was also glued to his phone, liking an Instagram post linking him to Atlético Madrid, then sticking up one of his own, in which he promised to soon reveal “the truth” about his future. “The media is telling lies,” he said, with reference to a notebook he apparently uses to record news stories about him. “In the last few months of the 100 … only five were right. Imagine how it is. Stick with that tip.” And so once again, Manchester United’s increasingly put-upon fanbase wait on developments with bated breath. Although given how United are desperately trying to sign Christian Pulisic on loan from Chelsea, everyone already knows deep down how things are going to pan out.